And Then There Were...?

Oh, hell...I can't even keep track anymore.

Yesterday I went skiing with a guy (no pseudonym required as I continue to have no desire to date this person) who I'd previously and semi-reluctantly had dinner with back in October (or was it November?). The autumnal date itself was fine but his wardrobe choice (Whistler logo emblazoned sweatshirt) and the complete absence of chemistry proved a lethal combination that even the most open mind and empty dance card at the time couldn't overcome.

While the two of us were knocking back a few slopeside beers yesterday, D (the SoCal based artist) called with word that he was presently in Idaho but would be back in my mid-sized town this weekend. To be honest, amidst the oddly-heightened dating activity of late and the recent demise of my thing with M2, I'd sorta forgotten all about D until he called yet again this afternoon while I was having coffee with J The Grad Student. D and I ended up having a fairly decent conversation a few hours later, at the end of which I honored his request to phone me again tomorrow. I see a cocktail or three in our future.

Upon returning home from the slopes last night, I was greeted by three notable emails. The first was from J confirming our plans for coffee today. Ultimately, it proved to be a pleasant enough outing and he was actually pretty cute for a big nerd. However, given the myriad other boy options currently in my midst, I don't think I'll see him again unless I decide to embrace the Sudoku craze. (Read: not likely.)

The second email was from M3, also confirming plans. More specifically, our long-awaited and much-talked-about January 2 first date. (You know, the "t-minus" one that I've been referring to now for what feels like months.) He's back from Hawaii and ready to mingle and is just as charming and witty and amusing as ever. Good god I can't wait until Monday. And funny thing? Neither can he.

The third email, much to my dismay, disheartenment, disillusionment, disenchantment and just about any other term that could serve as a suitable synonym for the wave of grave disappointment that washed over me as I read it, was from M2. Having grown weary of artfully dodging his love declarations for the past six weeks, we became history as of Wednesday. Or so I thought.

After receiving what I sincerely hope was a drunken phone call on Wednesday from one of his friends, followed by a convoluted text message from M2 the next day, it was apparent that he wasn't quite ready to give up the ghost. This was made abundantly clear via the email that M2 sent on Friday. I responded, making my best attempt to thoughtfully, kindly and sensitively-yet-officially close the book on our relationship...past, present and/or future.

It didn't sit so well.

This afternoon, reluctantly and rather hatefully accepting his fate, M2 sent a final missive. A hurtful, juvenile, immature and entirely-uncalled-for-outburst-from-a-man-of-36-years. Peppered gratuitously with the word "regret," it left no question in my mind that M2 was not, is not and will never be my destiny. The diamond necklace is soooo going back.

Which brings me to tonight.

Lack of sparks notwithstanding, and nevermind the fact that a stroke-of-midnight smooch -- obligatory or otherwise -- is pretty inevitable, I'm spending the evening at home with Z. We will drink excessively. I will terrorize him at Boggle. He will make me laugh and ridicule me for only reading non-fiction and watching too much tv. And we'll have a fabulous time mutually ringing in the New Year with one of the very few people who after having initially met online, doesn't make either of us want to gouge out our eyeballs with a plastic spoon. Or go gay.

2005 was hella crazy, yo. It brought extreme heights of emotion the likes of which I hope never to again experience yet somehow, if given the choice, I wouldn't have changed a thing. It brought new beginnings, sorrowful farewells and, ultimately, profound joy.

It also brought a tube of hickory-smoked summer sausage.

Cheers, y'all. To a happy, healthy '06.

Kaput

M2 and I are done. Fini. Consumado. Kansei. Volledig. Fullbrakt. Perfetto. O-V-E-R.

It wasn't entirely unlike ripping off a band-aid, really. Quick. To the point. Over pretty much as soon as it began. And ultimately not nearly as painful or difficult as I'd expected despite the apprehension and over-dramatized build-up. In fact, somehow, someway, I think technically I managed to get him to break things off with me.

Damn, I'm good.

And Then There Were...Five?

I'm still totally perplexed about the M2 situation. The "situation," of course (as if I haven't already explored it ad nauseam) being whether I should or should not continue to date a man who, on Christmas morning, bestowed upon me both a diamond necklace and Hickory Farms Snack Pak.

Neither were a joke.

(He said he knew I liked cheese.)

Fortunately, while I wait for my feelings and concerns and thoughts and doubts about what should clearly be our time-limited future as a couple to somehow magically sort themselves out with no effort put forth on my end, I've got 'em stacking up two-deep at the door.

I am clearly no longer on hiatus.

I saw Z again yesterday. Ordinarily, I'd call it Date #2 but I'm still trying to decipher the vibe. What I can say with some degree of certainty is that I never fathomed a trip to Jiffy Lube and Batteries Plus could be so joyous. I could create chemistry with a guy who routinely makes tears stream from my eyes while I'm doubled over with laughter, couldn't I? Even easier if he's the very same fella who showed up at our second "whatever" with a gift of two books that I apparently must read and a lovely scarf from his compulsive-knitter of a Jewish mother, right? No doubt I've told myself bigger lies when I've desperately wanted to will something to work out between me and some dude with far less to offer, not to mention a sufficiently less-developed sense of humor, than Z.

Lucky for me, he's not going anywhere so, in the meantime, I'm going to explore the dangerous notion of shitting where I eat. Or dating where I work. Or whatever.

Somewhere in the vicinity of the next 36 to 72 hours, I will be on Date #1 with J, a grad student studying something both computerish and sciencey that god willing he'll never bring up in conversation lest it expose the ugly reality that beneath my seemingly witty and marginally worldly veneer lurks a girl who has like no knowledge whatsoever about anything of consequence. Here's hoping.

J suffers from a high degree of self-described geekitude which, despite my apparent penchant for dating motorcycle-riding 25 year olds and man-boys with jewelry and/or body art who make bongs for a living, totally turns me on. We've exchanged a few sufficiently witty emails and traded pics. Bypassing second base entirely (which, in the realm of online dating, equates with the first phone call), we'll be rounding third and meeting over coffee any day now.

I'll then be moving on to S. He lives about 45 minutes north, so there's the obvious geographical challenge...he also has a tendency to talk about the gym in every conversation, which I suspect could present a compatibility problem or two down the road. But he's an east coaster, seems fairly intelligent, and...well... aside from the obvious allure (?) of dating someone who looks like he could bench press me if he was so inclined...why the hell not?

D, an artist, is also in the queue. Technically, he lives in SoCal but is originally from my mid-sized town and will be moving back this spring. He's in my neck of the woods visiting family until the first week of January. We may go out. I don't really care.

Which brings us to M3.

M3, the super-duper cute boy from the big city up north, returns from Hawaii today. He's been incommunicado during his trip which, I have to say, really came at a rather inopportune time, what with our amazing email exchanges right up until the eve of his departure and all.

Before he left, M3 set my anal retentive heart aflutter by illustrating obsessive compulsive personality traits of his very own by not only confirming the timing of our first date (which, mind you, at this point was well over two weeks away) but also by facilitating a discussion of what the date would actually entail. I put forth a series of options which, linked together and if enough alcohol is involved, could easily translate to spending the entire afternoon and part of the evening together. Unless, of course, my aptitude for sniffing out at least the initial viability of potential suitors is totally on the fritz and it all goes sideways. Given the occasional poor decision slash lapse in good judgment that I've been known to exercise over the past six months (Who me?!?), I suppose anything is possible. But something tells me I'm going to like this one a lot.

Because he lives two hours away.

And he's 5'8".

T-minus five days, one hour and 46 minutes.

Merry XMas To Me!

From: bda1
Date received: December 23
Subject:

you are hot and yes i would come there i have relatives there brian


From: countonchemistry
Date received: December 23
Subject: HOPEFULLY YOU READ THE NY TIMES

FOR THE EDITORIAL CORRECTNESS VS. THE CORRECT POLITICAL OPINIONS..

YOU SEEM LIKE A "THINKER" VS. A "FEELING" TYPE.

YOU CANINE IS GREAT. I HAVE A YELLOW LAB.

HOW IS [name of town removed]?

PS: I AM FROM AK. ROBERT

I DONT MAINTAIN AN IDENTITY HERE. WE ALL PRETTY MUCH GO WITH THE VISUAL TO BEGIN WITH AND I DONT CARE TO RECEIVE UNSOLICITATED CONTACTS. I PREFER TO SPOT SOMEONE OF INTEREST.


From: bigdaddycs37
Date received: December 23
Subject: hi

hi i just read your profile and thought i would give you a email if you read my profile and want to email me back i hope to heare from you

Yes, No, Maybe So

The doctor is in, as they say, and without a doubt, undeniably, definitely and most certainly: Z has ADD.

He also brought me two bags of Sour Patch Kids (the procurement of which, I came to learn, necessitated visiting three different stores), diagnosed the source of my illuminated "oil" light on my dashboard, made me laugh out loud so many times I lost count, and kept me thoroughly engaged for the entire 90 minutes. He's also totally adorable.

Sadly, none of the aforementioned could offset the fact that Z and I had exactly nothing going on in the chemistry department.

(Sigh)

T-minus approximately ten days + two hours until my date with M3.

ISTJ

Z made first contact in early June. I was on probably Week #2 or #3 of my online dating journey but was already firmly ensconced in Whatever It Was That C and I Were Doing. So, although Z actually seemed smart and articulate and frankly rather hilarious, I was thoroughly uninterested.

A few months later, with the leaves now beginning to turn, C and I on one of our countless hiatuses, and my online dating landscape littered with the specters of myriad other examples why I should have cancelled my online dating site's subscription (or embraced lesbianism) months earlier, I had developed a decidedly different perspective. Z accepted my profuse apologies for denying his initial springtime advances, and we embarked upon an entertaining back-and-forth for a couple of days. But nothing ever came of it.

Z dons earrings in both ears and displays one of those confusing soul patch things, has 105 myspace friends, claims to possess half-Judaic east coast bloodlines, employs frequent over-use of the caps lock function, equally loves The Smiths, Ice Cube and ABBA, sleeps on the floor, supposedly rocks at Boggle, would "rather grate his face off" than watch television (admittedly, this may be a problem), and has an uncanny knack for making me laugh. Overwhelming electronic and cellular evidence also suggests that Z quite possibly suffers from a potential-relationship-crippling case of A.D.D.

Confirmation will be had at 5:15pm this evening.

Z will be my first date since I started seeing M2. And, just between us girls and my infrequent gay male readership, I feel like shit about it.

But not shitty enough to not go.

M2 and I haven't yet had the "should we be exclusive?" confab. Frankly, we don't need to. His intentions and desires are obvious. For god's sake, the man bought me a toaster and microwave this week. (By the by, lest my receipt of said holiday-time gifts result in any confusion, its been explained that neither qualify as an official Christmas present. They're just two of life's simple joys that I was lacking. Ergo, I now own both.)

So, tonight I will meet Z for a beer (singular). And he'll probably make me laugh enough that I'll want to see him again. Then I'll go home and do Carmen Electra's stripper workout because I let my gym membership lapse. And then I'll toast or reheat something for dinner. Then M2 will come over and he'll be sweet as always and he'll stroke my hair while we sit on the couch and he'll probably even walk in the door bearing wine and/or flowers and/or carry-out, none of which he's done for a couple of weeks now, just because he'd have no clue that doing so would inflict further emotional trauma upon my already guilty conscience and, the way I see it, that virtually guarantees its gonna happen.

And then I'll lay in bed after he's fallen asleep and try to decipher what I'm feeling and why. And I'll fail miserably.

I don't think I want to be exclusive with M2. At least not right now. But I'm not sure. And even worse? I'm not sure why I'm not sure.

As my Myers-Briggs type would strongly attest, I'm a big fan of the informed decision. I eternally struggle to understand how one could possibly live a full and robust existence without routinely employing the guiding principles of logic, analysis and reason to inform even the most simple of life choices. So, with that philosophy in mind, I ask: If I don't want to be M2's girlfriend now, with a month of dating in the proverbial bag (and two appliances to show for it), will I ever? And if I don't want to be his girlfriend now, armed with the knowledge that the guy pretty much wants to marry me someday, should I be his *anything*? Is it fair to him? Is it fair to me?

(Should I just shut the fuck up?)

I'm not wired for this kind of crap.

No I Would Not & Yes It Is Very Soft, Thank You For Noticing

From: longorshort
Date received: December 20
Subject: hi

hello would you like contact me


From: scubaman65808
Date received: December 20
Subject: you are Beautiful

Don't let my profile scare you away. Iam like you except that Iwanted to describe my bizzare sence of humor in a running with dull scisors kind of way. It looks like you have very soft, hair and an incredibly warm smile.

What lake is that behind you in that picture?

Happy holidays.

Nope

Date: Dec 07
Subject: Hello there

I would like to here more about you ,and maybe you might be interested in my atributes

Back In Black

Actually, to be honest, its more like shades of grey.

I really missed M2 while I was away. I mean, like, really really really missed. We emailed, texted, IM'd and talked every day, multiple times a day. And he was on my mind all the damn time, even in Bloomingdales. Any guy who can distract me while I'm in the midst of a frenetic holiday shopping expedition in one of NYC's undisputed retail meccas has definitely gotten to me...on some level, at least.

But to what level is the question.

Surprisingly, once I'd left NYC for a blustery midwest city that's arguably been on the decline since the late 60s, I literally started to count the days until I'd see M2 again. To my chagrin, said enthusiasm hasn't exactly correlated on a 1:1 basis to my level of excitement about being back with M2 now that I've returned safely home.

I'm happy to see him, certainly. In fact, we had a positively lovely, albeit perhaps a bit frighteningly domestic day yesterday. Highlights included me picking out new towels and sheets for his largely unfurnished abode, walking hand-in-hand through my mid-sized town's sad excuse for a mall, and being offered a sip of his Orange Julius. The day was not without multiple sources/catalysts for my ongoing fear of commitment, however, including but not limited to when M2 covertly paid for my groceries without my knowledge until it was too late, when I caught him gazing lovingly down at me while we were supposed to be watching the disaster that is the JLo vehicle, Monster-In-Law, and when he used the term "we" when referring to the list of items needed for his guest bathroom.

The more M2 shows me that he wants me, the more I want to flee in the other direction.

Most of the time.

But not always.

(This is not good.)

There's now also another variable contributing to my chronic emotional retardation, as of about a week ago: M3.

M3 lives in the large city about two hours north. For the time being, he's nothing but a virtual potential date who keeps me rather engaged with his well-written and very amusing missives that, thus far, arrive daily.

Due to M3's departure tomorrow for a Hawaiian family vacation, we're not meeting 'til January 2. Now, at this early stage, I wouldn't go so far as to say that he qualifies as a bonafide distraction, but if the last week is any indication, he's certainly has potential to be well on his way.

Will the introduction of M3 into the mix help clarify my feelings for M2, good, bad or otherwise? Who the hell knows.

But I've always looked damn good in charcoal.

WTF?!?

From: blueeyedcowhand
Date received: December 8
Subject: Hello

Howdy,

Do you like to two step?

I'm in [name of state removed] with ma now. We met with the doctors today and time is short. We (the kids) will do our best to make this her most special Christmas ever. I hope she will be okay that long.

Care to go for a margarita to get aquainted?

Well, I had best get over to sis's as we have to call the rest of the family tonight.

Have a great day,

G

She Is Me

After M2 basically declared his love for me on Saturday night, I decided that a frank admission of my own had become necessary. Something absolutely had to be done to restore order.

To the untrained ear, unfortunately, what came out of my mouth sounded suspiciously and undelicately like "Dude, you're totally freaking me out."

Now, there is more sensitive and supportive language that I could have chosen in that moment, I realize, but if I'm committed to just one thing with M2, its brutal honesty, no matter the consequence. I'd much prefer to see a relationship...any relationship...go down in flames because I was perhaps too candid in expressing my feelings than for the same outcome to eventually transpire...but minus the honesty part. As they say...been there, done that.

To my delight, since my announcement, as harsh as it may have been, M2 has been a very, very good boy. Laying low. Giving me space. Not asking for plans, but being appropriately responsive and enthusiastic (but not too much so) when *I* do. Not saying stuff that scares me. Not (at least outwardly) obsessing and/or moping about my departure tomorrow for 10+ days to visit dear friends and family back east.

And while I'm rather disgusted to admit this...because owning up to it completely renders me That Girl Who Likes The Boy Way Better When He Pretends That He's Not That Into Her...

Its totally working.

The scales officially tipped back in M2's favor last night. He came over bearing carry-out Thai and a crapload of work that he had to finish before we could settle in for the evening. Neither were a surprise (though, admittedly, I was actually counting on and far more in the mood for greasy Chinese). Rather unexpected, however, was just how totally appealing the whole working-at-my-house exercise was to witness from the sidelines.

When M2 is with me, he's extremely reserved, introspective, almost docile at times. Yet during the day, he's a very successful business owner with like a dozen employees and kick-ass office space who wears ties and stuff. Finally seeing him in this context last night (though minus the formal attire), juggling his Sidekick and laptop, with a stack of paperwork precariously fanned out on my super-stylish but not exactly spacious couch...taking calls from clients...IM'ing...and just generally being a Tall Businessman With Shit That Had To Get Done...it was pretty damn hot.

As was not being the center of attention for the first time.

God, I am so *that girl*.

24

I'm keeping my profile available for reviewing and responding to until 11:55am today, at which time I'll have afforded free and unobstructed access to myself for one full day, thereby allowing me to conclude this sad little controlled experiment and return to my safe and generally happy world of online-dating-site-to-remain-nameless anonymity (Trader Joe's stalkers aside, of course). In the meantime, with 21.5 hours of evidence on which to draw, I think its safe to say at this point...I don't think too many opportunities exactly passed me by while I was in hiding.


From: brave_heart69
Date received: December 5
Subject: hi

help im stuck in [town removed] for 3 days,would love to meet you,..im very bored and im here for my mothers surgey.....downtown im eric call asap [phone # removed]


From: M2ASQUIRRLE
Date received: December 5
Subject: Please tell me so i can deside

hi ,i got alot to answer so please tell me details about you and how or why you would be a asset to myself and relationship what is it that you have thats any better or at least different from the 48 girls that emailed me today! !


From: mooplywookies
Date received: December 4
Subject: Wow!

Beautiful. Let's get to know each other. Since my profile is a little sparse, here's a little more about me. It's a bit superficial but it helps cut through the fog. We can talk philosophy and life next. Email me and I'll send back a picture. I took my pics off line for reasons I'll tell later. I'm an entrepreneur with a growing successful company looking for that lasting love connection that we are all here looking for. My company manufactures and sells portable recording studios. I was at Jessica Simpson and Nick Lacheys' for an installation and more recently The Black Eyed Peas. Earlier, my company was part of the Sundance film festival. I'm a performing songwriter, art director, political activist, environmentalist, comedian and the list goes on. I can dance better than most, practice yoga and do most outdoor recreation, skiing etc. I enjoy people and can be the life of the party and the center of attention as well as be introspective and laid back. Regarding relationships, I am open to anything that could evolve so if your open to exploring life, can love unconditionally and think you can keep up, let me know. Here's my company website: [URL removed}


From: Derek1G
Date received: December 4
Subject: Fromage avec vin rouge.

Fromage avec vin rouge, extrordinaire. :)


From: thhs
Date received: December 4
Subject: ur cuite

My name is Brian and am in my early 30's who is looking for his soulmate. I use a wheelchair but don't let that scare you. I work at a place called [name removed] where I do data entry. I stand 5'9", with blonde hair and blue eyes. I live in Champlin but grew up in northeren Minnesota. I hope that by doing this I am going to fine my wife. I hope that you will give me a fair chance.

do u have yahoo messenger
Love, Brian

I Got Skills (And A Halfway Decent Photo)

On the heels of my mini-freakout vis a vis M2 and his crazy, premature and thus very scary amorous declarations, I decided just for shits to un-hide my online dating profile this afternoon to see if I've still got it.

Profile unhid: 11:55am
First wink received: 12:01pm
First email received: 12:13pm
First email received that makes me want to re-hide my profile: 12:25pm

From: onlylooking11
Date received: December 4
Subject: We met once?

Liked your profile. Especially the part about the job not just being a paycheck. I recently went back to teaching at [name removed] and I love it. Oddly enough, I think we met once in Trader Joe's. I told you you looked familiar (which I am still trying to place. I think it is [name removed]) and you told me you just move back after some time away. So we have actually had a very short conversation. Kinda wierd hugh?! Anyway, checkout my profile and get back to me if you have any interest. Michael

PS I love dogs and yours is very cute.

Oh Dear...

M2 is in love with me.

Okay, so he hasn't actually spoken The Words but let's just say...

...between the email messages replete with thinly-veiled, just-barely-cloaked declarations of his feelings...the long, lingering gazes into my eyes...the hugs that nearly crush my ribcage...the repeated pronouncements that I'm "amazing"... the specific inquiry last night re: when and if I'll ever be ready to let someone love me...and about a gazillion other indicators that his feelings for me are way, way, way stronger than mine are for him at this point...

...sometimes, a girl just knows.

And it was all going so well.

No Flow

The one big bummer about having hidden my online dating profile a few weeks back is that it completely put an end to the glut of messages I'd receive each day from potential suitors. While I most certainly don't miss the distractions, nor the energy I invested in evaluating, assessing and in rare cases, actually corresponding with these individuals (my dates had to come from somewhere, right?), I *do* miss the bemused laughter that their messages would so often inspire.

So, with that in mind, I've ventured into my deleted messages folder for a few that never made it onto the blog. This smattering of quixotic missives represents the final round of attempts to engage me before I went into hiding. Admittedly, none really hold a candle to the previous examples safely tucked away in my October blog archives, but they still manage to serve as a humorous and effective reminder why I've taken myself out of the game. And why I don't miss it one teeny tiny bit.


From: taznumberone
Date Received: November 14
Subject: i like what i see

i liked what i saw in your profile and so i thought i would send you my e-mail adress and let you take it from here


From: delta186
Date Received: November 12
Subject: intelligence and beauty!! wow

Hi,
You sound like a fun lady with simular intrests as myself. If you think were compatible write me back, I'd love to take you out. I work alot here on the coast and haven't seen any real women that I would like to date that are single. Cute picture you have in your profile too! take care, Brenden


From: timpena1
Date Received: November 12
Subject: hi

I'm new to [name of state removed] 2 years now. And i find it hard to meet a nice girl who has no baggage or has been devorsed already by the age of 25. My job also makes it kinda hard for me since i go in at 6am Monday thru Friday. Maybe you would like to get together some time? My name is Tim and if you want to you can send me an email to [email removed]. It would be nice to find a girl i can settle with.

Nice

I fully acknowledge that the title of this post seems uncreative and boring and indicative of a limited vocabulary and/or some seriously waning creativity on my part, but its truly the perfect word to describe my evening with C.

From our easy conversation over dinner to the procurement of my rain-soaked Christmas tree to C's impressive handiwork with both the assembly of my crappy-ass tree stand and the mounting of my Steve Yzerman bobblehead to the top of said tree...it really was, in a word, *nice*.

The closest we came all night to re-engaging, on either a sexual-slash-transitory or a more significant "hey, maybe the 17th time is the charm!" level, was to strike a deal over dinner. A deal whereby, on December 1, 2007, if we're both single, we'll get engaged (his idea, not mine). The notion smacks of a one-dimensional plot for a really shitty romantic comedy, I realize, but much like the perverted sense of comfort that I derive from knowing that at any moment, I could have three dates lined up for this weekend if I so choose, there's something to be said for having a marital back-up plan that's actually not half-bad.

On another note, M2 believes he's come down with a raging case of food poisoning and/or the Ebola Virus. Either way, I'm out two Fandango tickets tonight. Between you, me and the seven other people who read this blog, I tend to think that's what he gets for having a bowl of Wendy's chili for lunch the other day. Serves him right.

Date #7: TBD.

Cautious Optimism

This evening, I'm putting M2 in a temporary holding pattern in order to have dinner and go Christmas tree shopping with the first boy I dated when I moved to my mid-sized town.

This past spring, before the big move, I'd signed up for my beloved dating site to remain nameless, thinking it would be wise not only to preview the male offerings that would befall me in my soon-to-be place of residence, but also attempt to gauge my perceived value on the dating market.

Having been in an exclusive relationship with one person for pretty much my entire adult life, I hadn't a clue what I was in store for. As this blog *used* to routinely attest before M2 came along, you'd think I was the first non-unattractive, single woman to blow into this town in, like, years. It appeared that I would not be wanting whatsoever for attention, interest or opportunities for engagement with members of the opposite sex. I was struggling, mind you, with a serious deficiency of quality amidst the quantity, but at least this girl was gonna have options.

But C was different. Our connection, established solely via the written word, was undeniable. I endeavored during my final week of work not to get my ass fired, spending basically eight straight hours each day reading and responding to C's emails, reading and responding to C's text messages, and then re-reading every single word that I'd previously read and responded to.

We decided that as soon as I arrived in my mid-sized town, we needed to meet. Immediately. And as soon as possible. C and I spent the first half our first night together, also known as My First Night Of My Brand New Life, sitting cross-legged on the bare floor of my empty house...the second half in a hotel...and the next six weeks analyzing our relationship to absolute fucking death.

We took breaks. We got back together. And then we took breaks some more.

And then, just as we were nodding off to sleep one night, he called me someone else's name. *Her* name. The one who had broken his heart just a few months before. The one who's memory, at the time, I believed stood between C and me having The World's Greatest Relationship Ever. (And no, I'm really not making this shit up.)

Needless to say, we went on yet another break the next morning. But within three days, were back together again. This time, though, it didn't last for very long. He wasn't over her. And he couldn't do this anymore. At least not with me.

After a respite of a couple of weeks, we gave it a final college try. I was juggling K and others at the time but liked the idea of adding C to the roster of available players. C, conversely, was not on board with the concept of us dating other people. So we called it quits. For good.

That was September. We're getting together tonight for the first time since then.

Does C have an agenda?
Probably. Don't they always?

Am I interested?
Take M2 out of the equation and I'd say...
Probably. Don't I always?
But M2's not out of the equation.
And so this time...
I don't.

But with t-minus two hours 'til C will be at my doorstep, I *will* admit to feelings of apprehension. Despite the drama, despite the countless stops and starts and failed attempts at a relationship, I'm afraid that my feelings for C, even in their retroactive state, are still stronger today than what I feel for M2...yet.

Should multiple options arise this evening, will I make the right choice? I sure as hell hope so.

Uh....

More than one inquiring mind is pressing for the latest M2 update, so despite a complete and utter lack of details (salacious or otherwise), here goes.

Date #6 last night, the results of which are as follows:

I like him and he's nice and he *really* likes me and he's still way tall and he gets on the floor with my dog to play with her and he claims to like everything about me including my eyes, smile, intellect, and wit and he almost fixed my broken deadbolt last night and he says he loves waking up with me and he thinks I weigh somewhere in the range of 95-105 lbs and he smells good and he says that he sees my face when he closes his eyes and he sits beside rather than across from me in casual dining restaurants and he wears a suit and tie to work every day which I think is super hot and he doesn't want to see other people.

(Okay, that last one might technically qualify as a "detail.")

Whoa.

Date #7: tomorrow.

N.B. At what point does it stop making sense to track each and every instance of seeing one another by assigning numerical properties to every date and, instead, for me to just suck it up and publicly acknowledge that we're officially dating (whatever that means), and as such, there will now be an indefinite, limitless number of outings, activities and whathaveyous with M2 which, in the end, sort of renders the whole counting thing rather dumb and quite moot?