Cautious Optimism

This evening, I'm putting M2 in a temporary holding pattern in order to have dinner and go Christmas tree shopping with the first boy I dated when I moved to my mid-sized town.

This past spring, before the big move, I'd signed up for my beloved dating site to remain nameless, thinking it would be wise not only to preview the male offerings that would befall me in my soon-to-be place of residence, but also attempt to gauge my perceived value on the dating market.

Having been in an exclusive relationship with one person for pretty much my entire adult life, I hadn't a clue what I was in store for. As this blog *used* to routinely attest before M2 came along, you'd think I was the first non-unattractive, single woman to blow into this town in, like, years. It appeared that I would not be wanting whatsoever for attention, interest or opportunities for engagement with members of the opposite sex. I was struggling, mind you, with a serious deficiency of quality amidst the quantity, but at least this girl was gonna have options.

But C was different. Our connection, established solely via the written word, was undeniable. I endeavored during my final week of work not to get my ass fired, spending basically eight straight hours each day reading and responding to C's emails, reading and responding to C's text messages, and then re-reading every single word that I'd previously read and responded to.

We decided that as soon as I arrived in my mid-sized town, we needed to meet. Immediately. And as soon as possible. C and I spent the first half our first night together, also known as My First Night Of My Brand New Life, sitting cross-legged on the bare floor of my empty house...the second half in a hotel...and the next six weeks analyzing our relationship to absolute fucking death.

We took breaks. We got back together. And then we took breaks some more.

And then, just as we were nodding off to sleep one night, he called me someone else's name. *Her* name. The one who had broken his heart just a few months before. The one who's memory, at the time, I believed stood between C and me having The World's Greatest Relationship Ever. (And no, I'm really not making this shit up.)

Needless to say, we went on yet another break the next morning. But within three days, were back together again. This time, though, it didn't last for very long. He wasn't over her. And he couldn't do this anymore. At least not with me.

After a respite of a couple of weeks, we gave it a final college try. I was juggling K and others at the time but liked the idea of adding C to the roster of available players. C, conversely, was not on board with the concept of us dating other people. So we called it quits. For good.

That was September. We're getting together tonight for the first time since then.

Does C have an agenda?
Probably. Don't they always?

Am I interested?
Take M2 out of the equation and I'd say...
Probably. Don't I always?
But M2's not out of the equation.
And so this time...
I don't.

But with t-minus two hours 'til C will be at my doorstep, I *will* admit to feelings of apprehension. Despite the drama, despite the countless stops and starts and failed attempts at a relationship, I'm afraid that my feelings for C, even in their retroactive state, are still stronger today than what I feel for M2...yet.

Should multiple options arise this evening, will I make the right choice? I sure as hell hope so.