Back In Black

Actually, to be honest, its more like shades of grey.

I really missed M2 while I was away. I mean, like, really really really missed. We emailed, texted, IM'd and talked every day, multiple times a day. And he was on my mind all the damn time, even in Bloomingdales. Any guy who can distract me while I'm in the midst of a frenetic holiday shopping expedition in one of NYC's undisputed retail meccas has definitely gotten to me...on some level, at least.

But to what level is the question.

Surprisingly, once I'd left NYC for a blustery midwest city that's arguably been on the decline since the late 60s, I literally started to count the days until I'd see M2 again. To my chagrin, said enthusiasm hasn't exactly correlated on a 1:1 basis to my level of excitement about being back with M2 now that I've returned safely home.

I'm happy to see him, certainly. In fact, we had a positively lovely, albeit perhaps a bit frighteningly domestic day yesterday. Highlights included me picking out new towels and sheets for his largely unfurnished abode, walking hand-in-hand through my mid-sized town's sad excuse for a mall, and being offered a sip of his Orange Julius. The day was not without multiple sources/catalysts for my ongoing fear of commitment, however, including but not limited to when M2 covertly paid for my groceries without my knowledge until it was too late, when I caught him gazing lovingly down at me while we were supposed to be watching the disaster that is the JLo vehicle, Monster-In-Law, and when he used the term "we" when referring to the list of items needed for his guest bathroom.

The more M2 shows me that he wants me, the more I want to flee in the other direction.

Most of the time.

But not always.

(This is not good.)

There's now also another variable contributing to my chronic emotional retardation, as of about a week ago: M3.

M3 lives in the large city about two hours north. For the time being, he's nothing but a virtual potential date who keeps me rather engaged with his well-written and very amusing missives that, thus far, arrive daily.

Due to M3's departure tomorrow for a Hawaiian family vacation, we're not meeting 'til January 2. Now, at this early stage, I wouldn't go so far as to say that he qualifies as a bonafide distraction, but if the last week is any indication, he's certainly has potential to be well on his way.

Will the introduction of M3 into the mix help clarify my feelings for M2, good, bad or otherwise? Who the hell knows.

But I've always looked damn good in charcoal.